Pah never would I thought I'd write in this thing again, brings too much drama, too much hassle and too much pain. I guess I come back to it this once and this once only because I wanted somewhere to take a look back on the last year of my life, remember how much it's changed for better and for worse, evaluate what I have, what I want and what I don’t have and cannot have, just so I can record and one day look back on the person I was. Commenting will be disabled, if you wanna talk to me about this do it over an IM please, and be nice as well I’m not writing this to attack or get attention from anyone that’s what tapping on the shoulder and saying “Hello” is for.

Myself:

Who am I? What I am? What do I want to be? Three questions that make up ourselves, for who I am, I am a young British native from the south east of England born and raised 22 years in a small town 30 miles from the main capital, that makes me a Londoner I guess with all the accent and speech slur despite my betterment of the language than some of my Harlow brethren. I forget my H's on words and can say "in'it" a lot. I like to think of myself as a friendly, helpful and generous person, I have no qualms about helping strangers or offering money to those who need it despite my own financial situation I have little care for myself I do what I do with my own body and material wealth, there are plenty of people worse off than me so I do what I can to help others who need it, granted some might see it as a weakness or even something to be taken advantage off, but I'm also level-headed I know cheaters and conners when I see them I rarely if ever fall for traps and I'm alert of my surroundings, and I also know that if someone doesn't help those in need then I'm no better then the people who do nothing unless it profits them selves these days.
I like to think of myself as a confident person, knowing what I am capable of doing and what my limits are both physically and mentally, I have my flaws and I know what they are and I know what my strengths lie in as a person in a crowd of bystanders. I can be sociable when I want to be, but I don’t go out to be social, I don’t make many friends because it's difficult to choose who they are, not everyone becomes your friend just to be friends there are too many who want strings attached. I don’t have a great deal of life knowledge or general knowledge I sometimes read / watch the news but I don’t watch TV nor do I follow politics I let the old guys do the debating over a penny piece's worth, but I do have a great deal of wisdom I think things though often multiple times till I'm sure that there can be one correct solution, I do this with life situations and well as mundane work tasks.
I can understand most things life throws at me, but there are times I don’t understand as I said before I’m not very well versed in “life” and when I don’t understand something I feel dumb and confused and try my best to find an answer to what’s confusing me, I don’t like to pry, and I wont pry if it’s something sensitive or not about me. There is little I wont tell about myself I have no shame nor do I keep secrets from people I trust very closely, but I am a storehouse of secrets if someone tell me something sensitive it goes into a book never to be opened again, because of this I feel a lot of people can trust me if they have faith in me.
I'm open minded and I'm very neutral in debates and discussions, I will look at both sides of the debates and analyze the pros and cons because not everything has only one answer, when it comes to dealing with my friends I will not jump to judge people because of rumours, actions speak louder than words. I will try new things that look fun or interesting to try but I am terrified of heights. I also tend to be defensive when attacked to start with, I despise arguing and shouting between myself and a friend as it solves nothing but my personality adapts too much and sometimes I will find myself combating fire with fire, I will not hesitate to jump into a fight either if threatened or attacked with out good cause and I will not take crap lying down I am not your personal punching bag or rug.
I am a writer and I enjoy the creative arts, from poems to books, from drawing to painting. But I am a lousy reader I find it difficult to get into books and neither do I watch many films.

What do I want to be:

It's not something I gave a great amount of thought into until very recently, I just want to be a guy who does his job well, and finds someone to settle down with eventually, I don’t want to be famous, fame is overrated. But I don’t want to be in my country, I love England but I want a change to experience a new place, the differences in culture, despite what many say there are surprising differences in culture between England and the US which is where I want to move and work in.
Computers are my love work, I love technology it's my biggest hobby I've worked around it my entire life and could probably work these machines better than many a Microsoft technician. Sadly not having the certs to prove it makes finding a job difficult, but I am studying, or at least working towards earning the qualifications I hope they'll be enough to move to the states with. In the mean time I hope to learn as much as I can from PC’s to PDA’s and laptops to the gaming consoles and even satellite navigation.

What do I do now what have I done before:

I work for a toy store, or AKA Toys R Us, it's not a bad place to work for, the work is nice it keeps me busy I run the secure booth which is an important area in the store, it has all our most expensive electrical equipment and PC's. I don’t like to think of myself as the guy you come for to be sold a Nintendo DS or a Sony PSP or a PC, customer service isn't my strong point and prefer to avoid it but I will do the job to the best of my ability and personality. No I'm the guy you come to for when you need technical expertise, when you want to know what .jpeg and .bmp means and what a Ethernet cable does, or how to set up your wireless network at home.
What have I done before, that’s mostly retail and warehouse work, varying from job to job, but there was one particular I loved doing and that was a Bike Mechanic (Pedal powered) getting my hands gritty and dirty with oil and lubricants it was good fun I miss doing that kind of job it was a change from computers.

My hobbies and activities:

As I’ve said before I’m not much of a book and TV guy but I look for entertainment it the more creative and technical arts, I like to keep my hands busy I’m a very active person not so much as going out and exercise but I don’t like to be idle, doing nothing, unless it’s sleeping.
I love computers, I love the things they can do, achieve and create for us, and believe me it can create a lot. Especially friends I mean if you’re reading this now, no doubt you’re a friend of mine. I enjoy tinkering with PC’s and fixing them learning the new technology that comes out for them, how they work and operate, to place components inside a casing clipping it all together and pressing the power button, I can stand there and say “I built that” it’s an accomplishment, much like when someone writes the last page in a book or adds the last stroke to a painting that’s the same feelings I get.
And with computers I enjoy video games it keeps me active and exercises my hand eye coordination, it’s how I’m so accurate and quick thinking it’s how I have fun with friends from around the world plus the slight competitiveness and fun it can bring as long as it doesn’t get insulting, insults are for people who do nothing but want to win, it’s just a game after all. Of course my eyes may have deteriorated over the years from being at a computer so long, but it’s not a great extent I can see pretty well with out glasses still.
My other hobby next to Computers is writing, I enjoy writing plays and scripts and sometimes the odd poem and short story. I find it’s relaxing to create a world of my own and see characters I’ve created come together unfolding scenes of various genres, I write all or try to, from Horror to comedy, from action to romance. My latest series is TechAsy I’ve been working on it for neigh 3-4 years now ever since I started reading Namir Deiter too. But my actual writing experience extends over 11 years and I’ve gone through quite a few projects since then. Nothing is published I just write because I enjoy too and for my own amusement.
My one flaw in my writing is my lack of understanding of grammar and structuring, I did fairly well on my English exams but nothing to brag about, while grammar is important it’s not something that’s struck me as truly necessary, it may be because I myself look past a lot of the grammar and understand what others may not if they read too deeply into commas, periods, colons, and full sentencing. Not everyone is great on grammar in fact probably 80% of the world’s grammar sucks I’m one of those percentages, but I’m also one who doesn’t take a notice of it if it’s wrong.

Relationships and friends:

I'm not a relationship kinda guy but I want to experience them, I want to find out what makes having a lover make me a better person the effects it has on me, I do worry in relationships, but I've learned a lot in them since, and that is not to worry. Things will turn out as they will and you deal with it as best as you can, you must be confident, show you can take a bull by the horns and throw it into the china shop. I feel I'm very supportive I will always lend an ear and help in any means I can possibly do so and be loyal til the end.
I love my friends the ones I feel very close too and there are few I share my problems with because it is they I can trust most and for that I will be by their sides in the times they need me. I hate to lose friends for whatever reason.


Those who are important to me:

I have few friends who are very important to me, so important to me I would die for and I'm one who would if my death comes so be it, I do not fear it. Who do I start with:

Rosco Floyd, Craig:

This guy is a wealth of knowledge he's calm he's very sly and knows what he's talking about, he's good on advice and very well educated, we share many common interests in the art of writing. I have shared many devastating experiences or vibrant rants with him and he does his best to give me an honest answer to the problem or relate his own experiences with the topic, or even just lend an ear, a guy I hope someday I will get to meet in person. I once cried to Craig over skype, I felt so stupid but I could hear him trying to calm me down tell me things will be alright, it's what friends do and given the reason that I was, it was understandable and just let it out. Thanks Craig.

Aecas, Craig:

Grumpy ol Aecas, big ol dragon with a light heart feeling. I met Aecas once back in august 2005 in London over the jack forums, I offered the guy to stay at my place during the Jack Euro gathering and I've never regretted it since. Aecas is awesome, he often asks how I am on a night to see how I'm doing, we'll talk about general things and we'll relate the usual problems to one another, often have I spoken to him of my personal issues and he gives me advice on what to do and what can I do. Heck of a laugh and an all round sport too, he helped me a lot during one of my break ups of a loved one.

The Midgee:

Awesome, awesome, Midgee, there's so much I can say about this girl. Cute, short, bubbly, funny, artistic and considerate. Midgee is very trusted she's openly honest and far too generous for her own good many a time I've trusted her with personal issues and she does her best to tell me what she things of what to do and despite not knowing certain things she always comes out with a lot of sense, I only wish it was easier for myself to actually accept some parts of it. I love this girl and would fly out to the states just to hang with her.

Dave (Midgee's boy):

I haven't known Dave as long as Midgee but when I met him with Midgee back in March 2006 we got on together like wildfire, we had so many ideas to exchange we shared same interests and the guy let me bunk in his dorm during my visit so I owe him for that. Dave is level headed and a wise thinker, his advice and evaluation of problems is astounding but then he did study psychology but regardless his advice is always valued Midgee is lucky to have him.

Robert Fincher:

I've been around this guy since high school that’s over 11 years, we've been though thick and thin together, I regret kicking him out that one time but we both understood it was for good reason. Robert is one of the first I'll trust to confide in despite his look he has a lot of life wisdom under that hat of his and I value every scrap of it, he's the counter part to me almost, like a brother, he knows about life and I know about well... other stuff he doesn’t. I couldn't be without this guy, one of the reasons it's hard for me to want to leave for the states.

Isabel and Terrence Marks:

These two changed my life for the better they introduced me to the world of web-comics, the internet, forums and sociability, plus they sparked a huge inspiration for me to write my TechAsy series. Though their comics I made many friends, found love in people and strengthened my resolve to head for the states. I owe these two more than I let on I can't even begin to list the changes they've made to me. Thank you both, thank you for making me a better person.

AngelVS20, Jennifer:

I didn't know a lot about Jen when I first met her or at least started talking to her more a while ago on the Jack forums, eventually I don’t know what it was but I fell in love with her. She wasn't my first but I fell for her, she was kind, sweet, heart-warming to be around, she knew how to have fun and is openly expressive about her mind (In real life anyway) it's a shame she has trouble trusting people easily or at least guys she dates. I found that out the hard way, and evidently lost her... because of my own stupid mistake, I can't say how much I was sorry it ended the way it did, but I don’t regret letting her go for the betterment of things. She's still my friend and for that I'm very grateful, she taught me to be more vigorous in my efforts I became more motivated when she came into my life... thank you Jen.

Candy:

My first girl friend, who these days is very much like a sister to me, she was my first on-line friend too so I've known her the longest. We don’t talk as much as we used to but we talk a lot about personal things, I will never forget her bouncy and care-free nature. We broke up because I thought my feelings weren’t as real as they should've been, a grave error on my part when she left for camp and hooked up with someone else. I let go quite easily but I regret the actions I took.

Stormrunner, Selena:

I've known Storm for a bit now but it's only now I got to know her to the point I'm open with my feelings and personal problems. Direct, talkative, well versed in politics and very open. Storm is my most recent confidant she helps me a lot to understand what I can't about some things and often gives me a lot of help in the arts, and likes to play a lot too which is always fun I hope to meet her soon.

Katie Carlberg:

I leave Katie for last because she is the most important in my life, why? It's not just the fact I'm still in love with her but it's the times the experiences the life she's shown me. What she's taught me about relationships, and what she has done as a friend to be there for me when I wanted her most. The fact she's put up with so much shit from me and still remained my friend (Including after we broke up). Honest, competitive, fun-loving, reasonable and open-minded. I wanted to do a lot to help her when we were together even with mundane tasks bad habit on my part but her independent nature taught me that it's not always necessary to help unless asked for, which is true. Her artistic skills wow me every time every image she pumps out I can't help but look it over and over again, the work she has done for me on out comic I just can't appreciate enough. We broke up quite recently but I respected the decision she had her reasons for it and I can't force her otherwise, but I am waiting still, hoping I have another chance with her even if it means waiting til I am in the states it's hard to let go of her right now. I will never forget the times we had together the things you taught me Katie, my love for you as a friend will always be there for you and perhaps more if you’re ever ready.

They are the most important people in my life and it's how I see them, granted there is little bad to mention about the people here, because I don’t see anything bad about them, we all have our bad parts but we don’t mention them because we have friends for what we like about them.

Finance:

I have large loans, and debts, toping nearly 20000 dollars or 13000 pounds sterling. It’s a lot of money and it’s paramilitary what’s holding me back in this country until a vast majority of it is cleared I can’t hope to leave England. What accumulated this? Most of it I’ve forgotten, my first trip into the states that cost a large sum (£1800), upgrades for my PC because I wanted something that would last me (£1000), a new laptop because my old one wasn’t up to spec (£1500), mother who paid off my debts while I was out of work and the money I borrowed (£3500). It just all adds up and it’s amazing how it acclimated so quickly, I’ve come to the point where I can’t look at my credit cards much anymore I want to destroy them so I can’t use them but I dunno how wise that would be, for now they’re under the care of someone else so I can’t use them. The loan isn’t the problem nor is my mom as they don’t have interest rates going up every month, the credit cards are the problem as they’re taking the longest to get down, it’s taken me nearly a year to get my Bank Credit card back down from the over draft it’s in.
I have been looking into getting another loan to consolidate all my debts into one payment to make things easier but I keep getting told my account is “Flagged” so they won’t do me any more lending for a while. I have been looking at other loan dealers for help but many of them are strict on their requirements. It feel like by the time I’m finished with these debts I’ll be too old to move out of the country and too late.

The future:

Yeah too old or too late, I’ve spent a third of my life stuck here, I don’t know what is so alluring about the USA, maybe I’m just bored of England and I want a complete change this is my ultimate goal, a goal that’s stuck with me since I was 16 if not younger. I don’t know what the future holds but I’m doing my best to go with the flow and do my best, maybe some of my debt I can take with me to the states. I know my life will change drastically if I ever did accomplish my goal but I feel it needs a drastic change to make me that much more happier with my life.
I’ve looked at many different ways I can help speed things up, selling stuff I don’t need anymore, working extra hours and all that jargon but it doesn’t feel it’s getting that much closer.
I’m in hope that working on this comic with Katie, our series TechAsy will bring me a lot of joy to see it become successful, and see that I can be a successful writer I’ve had little opinion of my series and now I want some, perhaps one day I can be as successful with it as Isabel is today and maybe become guests of honour at a convention. I never used to like the idea of doing this for any more than a hobby, granted I love doing this as a hobby but now I want to see something become of it.

So what are my goals?

*Move out of country get citizenship in the US.
*Clear my debts as soon as possible.
*Escalate TechAsy to a well known web-comic perhaps eventually published.
*Find someone to settle down with, be it Katie… or… *Shrugs* for the most part I hope it would be Katie… who knows.

It’s a short list but it’s a lot of work to do, and already 23 years of my life is wasted away… here’s to hoping I can change that somehow.

Thats right I'm closing this thing down, as much fun as it's been posting on here, I found it's not what I need, and that it causes more trouble than it needs to be, I'll be closing the account and removing all the friends from the list and adding them to my book marks instead, I'll still retain posting comments and such but you'll find no new news after this post.

So I came home, at last. 28 days in the states will be something to remember indeed.

Both the good times... and learning from the bad.

Even while I was walking through the airport I had this distinct feeling of depression and sadness over me, was it because I was going to miss the states, was it because I was back home and I didn't want to be...

No, it was because I had the heavy feeling of coming home knowing that I went out there and made one particular woman I loved so much very happy only to return having wrecked her heart and feelings with out any intention. First some differential views of the internet and then an honest mistake in someones LiveJournal both of us misunderstood. I didn't feel so good to step back into the UK knowing what had happened. But it is my intention to make things right again if I am allowed to, I'm just waiting to be given that chance and this time I will not screw it up do you know why? Because through the many friends I have I've rearlised what my major weakness are, what my flaws were and what I can do to cope with them and change them for the better, not just for myself but for my future friends and espeically my major love interest, assuming I still have that chance of course but for now I rearlise there are other things more important like repairing a damaged friendship with that same person.

slavkei's LJ has some zen thinking on it which holds some very useful advice if you haven't already read some of the sentences from it, go do so, it's got me thinking and might just get you to do the same as well.

I've had other mixed feelings about stepping into the UK as well, I think it's just some slight withdrawal from the states and having been on vacation for a month and now I gotter go back to work of course, which I am very eager to do, especially when you have nearly £10000 / $18000 worth of debt to your name.

I'm also going to be sitting down and watching some more TV, films and listening to some more music as well as read some books. Can everyone do me a favor and post me your suggestions on what to watch / read / listen to I've already started on one friends book from the states but I know I'll need more after that.

Lastly I finally got my pirate script finished, it took a couple of months but it's finally finished. Please catch me on AIM to get a copy I could use the opinions and such and many of my friends from the Jack forums will hopefully enjoy the surprises I've added in just for spice ;)

Yes they damn well do very much, well I decided to head back to Baltimore again a day early before I leave on my flight out of the states, I called up Midgee and Dave and asked if I could stay that day and they said it would be alright. Now getting there again wasn't alright it turns out that the two stations that are in Baltimore are in a line one after the other. This wouldn't have been much problem IF whoever used the damn tanel on the train had stated which of the two stations we were at. BUT NO! Instead they just said Baltimore station on the tanel... so I got off... AT THE WRONG STATION. I was supposed to get off at BWI but instead got off early at Penn station instead, which caused trouble in me trying to call Dave and Midgee to let them know where I was, fumbling with directions and the road traffic we eventually meet up and make our way back to the collage campus... what a pain in the ass.

So anyway the convention was good, large, interesting, probably not totally what I was expecting but it was good fun, especially from the angle I had it. Oh no not only did I get to attend the convention but thanks to knowing a few people on the personal level I was also considered a dealer for the table we were at, I eventually over took dealer duties for the artist of Isabel Marks and her husband Terrence Marks (www.namirdeiter.com), I managed to help by giving away some fliers and sell a few books for them, it was awesome to be able to help out like that as well as transporting all their stuff and setting up shop for them. In the mean time I also managed to get to meet Bill Holbrook the artist and writer of www.kevinandkell.com, and I also got to have dinner with him which was quite an experience. Amist all that I think I found some new interests in book and webcomics and I also had the pleasure of shaking hands with Uncle Kage as well as getting to speak with him, a very nice fellow I hope to one day see him at one of the anthrocons or ConiFurs.

After the convention I got to try something else as well, certinaly something thats difficult to try in England. Firing off a .45 6 round revolver chambered pistol and a .22 long range hunting Rifle. The kick on that .45 was awesome to say the least and I'm told my accurcary with the guns are pretty decent. I even have the videos to prove the shootings :3 BE WARNED DEAR BROTHER :P

So in any case I'm going home today, one part of me doesn't want to, but another part saying it wants to because of all the debts I have, it's going to take a while to pay them off but it wont stop me from coming to the states again, I may try again for the end of this year, perhaps hitting up just one or two places for a couple of weeks again.

Thats all I got for now, see you on the other side of the ocean again.

Well I'm currently in my last week of my trip, I'm currently in Philadelphia or in a small town around the city anyway, staying with my friend Rachel-Ann and her family, they're a great bunch of WoW players yesterday they helped my Hunter traverse the Deadmines in Westfall, that was good fun and we came out with a lot of good loot too.

We'll be going to the I-con convention in New york soon, it'll be my first convention ever and I'm so looking forward to it because I'm going to get to meet Isabel Marks and Terrence Marks, Artist and writers of Namir Deiter and various other webcomics, While I could call these two my heros in some sense I actually owe these two a lot more then I let on sometimes, was it not for them I would not have the friends, the urge to visit them or read as many webcomics as I do now.

Thats the good part of this, now the more... dis-likeable part, but I write this not because of desire or wanting to make a point but to express how confused I have been the last week or so.

I just dont know where it all went wrong how it all just fell apart on me, on us and I wish I knew where it did go wrong, and why we couldn't work anything out or give it the chance at the very least. And what caused all this... just some internet flirting just anything liked you'd see between two good friends in real life, on-line, cyber, 1's and 0's, a place where physical meaning holds no value over the net other than the fact it's text, I wanted to be honest but instead it just started the down fall, I tried to explain myself but only to be told it was no longer committed, I had to live with it I tried to live with it and hang onto a golden thread that I'd hope I could be given, but just recently that thread was cut on me and told it was never to be, but I was never told why other than just being told they didn't want it, perhaps I came on too hard with that matter I was a bit expressive sometimes I tried to apologize and said I respected the decision, maybe we wernt ready or something I dont know I was left in darkness with little reason but I dont hate them for it and hoped we could be friends in the mean time, but even after that I discover that things were deemed worse by them believing something that is not true at all and just misunderstood, a thing I would never do and it just seemed to make matters worse, I was told I shouldn't go ballistic or anything or jump to conclusions of my own, which I'm not there has to be reason for their actions but I was confused more and more, I dont have any excuse other than the fact I know nothing of love or what to do and what not to do but now it seems I know little of how to be a friend to some.

I want to learn from these mistakes and make it up to them, I have learned what I can but I feel like I've done something so wrong I just wish to rectify it, but i can't do that unless I can talk and work things out, things dont always fix them selves, I am told time heals all wounds which can be true but if left too long it can just scar.

I'm not unreasonable, I'm not a liar I never am, I'm always open minded and will listen to reason if given the chance. I'm just a confused young man with little understanding or experience of the concept of love I cant give any other excuse than that, and I just dont want things to end the way they have, I'll wait like I always have but it's not down to me anymore...

That is all.

And bro if you post on this entry or even mention it back home I'll throttle you when i get back, understood, I dont need mom worrying any more than she needs to?

...when you cry that you leave behind the one you love even when you know you'll see them on-line or later in the year.

Yeah so I left Sarasota on the 16th, there are very very few things that I will shed tears for in life, and while I did my best not to show it at the airport after passing that security checkpoint I could feel some water running down my nose and cheeks, after meeting with Angel for those days I did not want to leave truth be told I did not want to leave at all, I felt that the 4 odd days we spent together were not enough, I know there will be time again in the future and we will still talk on-line like we always have but it was hard for me to say goodbye.

I dont feel that I had any real experience of love, what it truly feels like but I guess I got a glimpse of that on my leaving and well considering all things good as they were I guess all I can do now is wait, I know where my heart is set, I just have to wait...

Well on a good note we did a lot of things together, Angel got me to try Sushi and took me to a few other intresting restaurants, really nice food out there down south. I got taken to a local park, ummm, I forget the name but I got to see alligators and a few other woodland creatures and we went across a canopy walkway, jesus that was scary I can safely admit I am scared of HEIGHTS, hatethemhatethemhatethemhatethemhatethem!!

Before that I got taken to the beach and boy that was fantastic never have I seen a beach so clear with water and sand that look so beautiful and worth calling a beach not like the excuses we have in England or at least around my area, I got sunburned on my ears >.<

And as part of the finale we went to Disney Magic land, I never thought in my trip I would get to goto Disney land florida, that had to be the best park I've ever been to, the rides were fantastic despite the wait times of like an hour each time >_>

It was all good I can't wait to go back to Sarasota and see her again.

Well right now I'm sitting in Evilbug's Dorm in Toleto after some quick replanning for getting to Morgantown I decided to get an amtrak train to Connellsville and then get picked up from there, before hand I had the privilege of staying with Rafe for a few days, a fantastic guy a great historian of web-comics and he took me to the US Airforce museum in Ohio that was a great sight to see indeed and I even got to talk to Dave Hopkins who write the Jack comic over the phone, dont think I'll get that chance again for a while! :D

In any case that brings things upto speed...

Well since I left Richmond I hopped on the plane and made my way to Statesboro in Georgia, a collage town so to speak as I have been told by KTbug a number of times. I got off the plane and out of the airport and picked up by KT in her Lemonmobile and we drove to the collage campus.

KT and her friends were hell fun to be with, we did a lil bowling some video gaming and just general hanging out, KT also took me around to a few good restaurants about the town and we had some good eats together, KT recently had some deep troubles with her general love affairs recently, poor girl I know how she feels sometimes but she still has the most experience out of the two of us but still she's a strong girl and didn't let that drag her down and we had some really good fun together, I hope she comes out to England sometime to visit me later in the year :)

So after a 4:30am start time drive to Savanna airport I got on the plane to THE most looked forward to part of the trip I've been having so far.

Sarasota, Florida... o_angel_o

I've been waiting DAYS and DAYS to finally meet this woman, a woman I love so much, as soon as I got off the plane all I could feel was my heart beating sooooo much! I thought to my self, this is it... this is finally it I'm going to meet the woman I've worked so much to show I love and adore her, and I can safely say it's been as heavenly worth it.

I also got to meet her parents, cousin and aunt as well today all of them were great fun and awesome hostesses, I loved the dinner that her mother cooked and enjoyed the looks of surprise of Angels face as she unwraped her gifts I am so honored to have been invited to the party, I do hope I made a good impression on the parents and more importantly you Angel :) I love you sweetie.

Well tomorrow will be another day in the trip and I look forward to hooking up with Angel again for whatever she has deviously planned.

Well thats all I'll say for now I'll update again later on in the week.

Well my last couple of days in Baltimore was fun to say the least more of it over at midgee's live journal, apparently I cheat at Mario party XD, what can I say I'm just good at video games.

The last day there was a bit rough I wont be going into it however, suffice to say I made a grave grave mistake in something on my part, but I am working as hard as I can to rectify that as much as I can.

So i got down to Fairfax after leaving, the train rides were pretty good to DC and then to Vienna where I was promtly greeted with a wonderful hug from Vivian who I was going to see and have dinner with in Fairfax. Her family showed me a wonderful evening, her mother and herself took me to the skyline caverns and it was beautiful and the surrounding mountains was astonishing to say the least, I took many photos and a couple of Vivian for my memory book, she was a wonderful girl to meet and her grandmother cooked the meanest pot roast I was fat and full after that day and I got to try some Pecan Pie as well that I heard soooo much about shame I couldn't finish it.

Also in the day I got to meet the infamous Jack doll Vivian had made with her own hands and it was awesome, so awesome he stole my sun glasses for a few hours XD

Swifty met up with us that same night and drove me to Richmond, he is one hell of an awesome driver and his car is just sweet. Crashed for the night not before falling asleep in his car lol. Today he took me out on the country roads and showed me just how FAST you can go *whistles* 100mph down the lanes, I was loving it we went around a nearby park for a bit and saw some of the lovely scenery and a huge lake too then went down for a few games of bowling, such a laugh that was, both of us won a game each and the third Swifty beat me by one point but thats only because the sucker put me off my final bowl all I needed was one pin to draw and this is what I heard in the back ground as I bowled it:

"Angel in a bikini"

I bowled over laughing at the though and fell over almost letting go of the ball and lying on the floor laughing, even then I STILL missed. Irish git lol >_>

Then we hit Mojo's for some lunch hung around the hotel til dinner time and then went for some lovely pizza, seems like the waitress there had a thing for my accent and kept checking back nearly every 5-10 miniutes getting us refils and stuff XD

All in all it's been a good day today and still only the start.

So it's near enough half way though week one in the states for me, and damn just sitting in this dorm room of midgee's has been keeping me GLEE all week.

Well the plane ride it's self was a rather a headache it was my first time flying and considering I had three other flights in the US it's self I had to get used to flying ASAP, I think I have I enjoyed the flight I got to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire so that was a bonus and saved me from going to the cinema, there was this kid constantly crying and screaming over the corner of the plane however and that got on my nerves but what can you do and I think my headache originated from not having slept for more than 24 hours, but the upside to that is my internal clock got knocked into eastern time easily so now I'm sleeping my usual hours like I would at home.

Just being around the american accent is also very fun but even after an hour it felt so natural to be in the country, I forget that I'm a visitor, I forget that I'm on holiday and it just feels like i'm staying at a friends place and just hanging out like I normally do. Dave and Pete the two fellahs I've been staying in their dorm with have both been great hosts helping me get the Lappy on-line it's been fun exchanging differences between our two cultures as well and they've been a great help in me understanding Collage life and also finding out information about getting into collage in the US, suffice to say after looking at the educational requirements of UMBC, I ain't coming to this one in a hurry XD

blackjokerfox Is coming down today (friday) so we can meet up for a few hours and I look forward to it as well as hopefully Fallen Angel who happens to live nearby it'll be a good chance to get to talk to another two of the forumites from the Jack forum. And come the 5th I'll be leaving Baltimore and heading south to continue the rest of my trip, the next stop will be Fairfax to see Vivian also from the Jack forums for dinner and then south again the same day to Richmond, Virginia with Swifty to stay in his town for a few days

I'll post up more of my trip as I go but this will do for now.

GOOD FUCKING LORD...

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Now that is out of my system I can vent, and it's going to be my first rant about a game because I just wasted an hour of my life only to lose out the huge rack up of score I had in it.

230 Cars demobolized
52 miniute persuit
16,000,00 bounty
2,000,00 Cost to state

A fantastic score isn't it? Took me almost an hour of evading heat 5 federal vehicles.

And you know what happens to fucking get me busted and lose that score... A WOODEN FENCE, yes a WOODEN FENCE that you can knock out and destroy, apparenly by some twist of fate the fence got jamed underneath the damn car and prevented it from going any where effectively AND IT WAS HANGING ON THE FRONT OF MY BUMPER! WHAT THE FUCK!

This is one of those rare times I've actually been so pissed off at a game, normally I just dont care but the physics this time have just taken the pervbial!

I do so hope Need For Speed: Most Wanted 2 will feature better physics than this, arcade game granted but elements like this that tend to be glitches or impossibles in any sense

In other happy news only 8 days to go til I goto the states, ^_^

Wow hilarious day today...in the painful way...

First off we couldn't get the car going properly due to safety reasons the windscreen was dirty and someone forgot to use anti-freeze in the windwhipers... 2 minutes late to work, Supervisor: "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN GET TO WORK" *Dressari rolls out into the warehouse hops to his feet and unpacks a box that's empty*

Work started off this morning and it was really really cold so I had to wear the usual protective gloves to save getting frostbite. Funny thing is somehow I managed to get glue on my gloves and I picked up a nearby box not realizing there's glue on the gloves, go to put it down and...hmm...wait a moment...it's not dropping, pick up put down pick up put down pick up put down...it's then I discover the glue on the gloves and spend about 20 mins peeling SUPER GLUE off my gloves from the box...Yay, thanks god, great one :)

Then came around lunch time I finished my lunch and decided i'll close my eyes for a moment and rest them, yeah I'll do that, lean on my elbow no problem, elbow starting to itch a little *scratch scratch* lean again...weee *thud* straight off the table and onto the floor. Manager happens to be there when I go thud...

"Y'alight Alex?"
"Yeah boss thought I saw a penny on the floor but it was actually a mark" *Squeaks it clean*

Fun...

Next is after lunch on site 3 for some loading up of trailers and trucks, yay...this particular one had three sets of strong nylon straps what I didn't know is there was very large metal clamps on them too, all in a line about 2 foot from each other in the trailer, so there I am rolling in a pallet truck when I suddenly turn round to the first straps...this is how it all went:

"OH CRA-" *BONG* XP o.o >_> O_O "OH SHI-" *BONG* XP >.o >_> O_O "OH FUC-" *BONG x_x "TKO" *thud*

Weeee one headache later I get back up and stagger out the trailer, straight into a metal safety bollard coloured BLACK AND YELLOW to be seen which is bolted to the floor *BONG* and thud straight into the wall it was next too, I had to laugh at the irony because it was a white wall.

And to top it all off my knife got stuck in a box not once, not twice, not even three times, but five times and when I jerked it it flew down the end of the warehouse and I had to retrive it 5 times in a row.

So all in all God's having fun with me today, I hope he had a chuckle because I certinaly did as well! Thanks dude your the best!

So I was on skype the other day with a friend and her roomie for around 6 hours, was good fun I really enjoyed the conversation ^_^

In the mist of all that we kinda like played a little game of "get to know you" it was a case of I said to them both they could ask me any sort of question they'd like no matter how embarrassing, normal, kinky or personal it may have been. I really didn't mind it and I did the same back to them.

Some of the questions and talking we did however got me thinking a lot about how I act what I do and when do I do things, most noteably when it comes to matters of the heart.

In general as a guy and some-one who is very laied back and open minded it's very difficult to offend me with such questions nor is it easy for two other people to embarrass me or irk me with their sexual advancements on each other, seriously two people could be having sex on the sofa next to me and I wouldn't bat an eye lash I'd just keep watching TV or whatever it is I'm doing, sound odd? Maybe it is but thats how at ease I am or can be.

But when it comes to myself, I realized that when it comes to making the first move I'm rather patient not so much as waiting for the right time but it's more of a case of if I make the first move I worry I might make it at the wrong time and that the other person is going to take it the wrong way even though I am very friendly and dont mind the friendly advances vice-versa of course if that be the case I tend to assure that I have a loyalty issue and anything that may happen must only happen as friends and not go any further than is considered necessary, the fact I have a crush on someone else at the moment and would rather let any of that happen with her.

Well to put it in simple terms I wouldn't make any form of advances with out me being comfortable about it, that the person I'm advancing on I know well and I also know they're comfortable with it for a fact and wouldn't take it the wrong way and I sure as hell wouldn't make any if I knew they had an other half already. I can flirt I have no problem with flirting so I'm not totally obscure to sexual advances.

I dont know if i'm explaining this very well at all I just seem so pensive at this moment I've always had difficulty expressing my heart to others I mean only having one girlfriend before hand that I already knew for two years before we decided on that was a little easier, but two years of the fact that SHE had a crush on me made it easy...now working for someone elses affections is different, much different.

I do not know if that same girl happens to read my LJ, but if you do I hope this allows you to understand me that little bit better however less-sense it might make.

The other day I decided to almost get killed...twice in the same day...first up was using a standing knife to cut open boxes, during some of the cutting the knife got jerked on the box and I pulled it a bit hard and the head of the knife flipped up and struck me in the eye...I guess I should be thanking the buy who invented safety knifes with springs attached, one less eye other wise.

Second up working in a warehouse with heavy pallets can sometimes be a real mean task especially when you're pulling weights of around a ton or more. We have this slope at the warehouse and someone decided to park one pallet truck at the top...usually that would be fine...except he forgot to put the break on so the truck decided to roll down the sloap and charge into a certain working Dressari at the end of the warehouse, mmm-hmm, I dont know if it was the Adrenalin or the fear but that soon resulted in me diving OVER the pallet truck and it smashing into the side of the warehouse wall and causing an awful rattle.

On a good note this was finished a few days ago:

Wee, some good progress on the full length but like for most of us time and work doesn't leave enough hours on the clock to do things you like to do.

Got me a new High Definition TV too the other day on credit wont have to worry about paying it till later in the year.

I was quite happy with it, now the problem is recording DVD's from it, as to set it up I had to figure out to do, bloody manuals are never any help.

Well thats a gip, See these:

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<HTML.>
<IMG SRC.>
<A HREF.>

Yeah those, those things called HTML TAGS, yeah I hate them now, y'know why? Because I just had to waste an hour trying to figure out the correct input for them because I for sure as hell could not find an FAQ on LJ's site on how to use them correctly...what the hell is that all about?

(Last second update) Oooh woopie, joys of being a newbie now I rearlise I can change this to Rich-Text format, GO ME! -_-

28 days to go and this person's jetting off for a month out of England, roll on march... >_>

Test, test...is this thing on? it is...good okay!

*AHEM!!*

Yeah...so I opened a Live journal...thats different for me since usually I wouldn't find a need for one, well I still don't find much of a need but I guess it could be a good way to relate news and maybe events that some of my friends would like to read about (Possibly).

So anyway here it is a Live journal for Dressari a soon to be 22 year old (28th jan this year) fellah with a large ambition of going back to collage and becoming a trade profession...either that or the army or police...

Okay so seeing as this is my first entry I figured I'd dot around the place a little and fill in whats been going on the last few weeks since the new year started, I can't say I may update this a great deal as sometimes I tend to be a private person if you want to get to know me a lot better, talking to me on one of the messengers is a better idea...usually...

Well the new year came and went as quick as it always does, I didn't have a good start to the year as it was, it was bloody horrendous...it was a rather long and nasty rant as well but not to verbal on the language side, I had problems moving into the new place my old computer desk got snapped in half...that was nice >_> My bike got stolen...thanks mr thieving wanker...we got smoged out of the home from drilling holes that was a real coughing experiance and my internet got delayed getting back up for a few days thanks to bad communications...

Thats the short story...long story right here.

Since the new year however some good things have come about, I plan to goto the US on the 1st of march and go travel around and meeting friends ^_^ very exciting I can't wait, been planning this for a year now.

Speaking of friends I've been getting into a lot more chats and conversations from many people from forums and all sorts this makes me happy because it's these guys that keep me going of a day and night time, many of the chat rooms are funny as hell and often can be a distraction but hey it's all good for the fun it brings. A few particulars of those same friends have become close, I enjoy their words and their talking, their advice...their personalities, they know who they are and I thank them all, hell prehaps some of the reason I started this LJ was because of them ;)

It's great how an image can spark imagination and creativity isn't it:



An impressive pic by Seel-Dingo her art is impressive and did this commission pic for me, I'm still waiting for the colouring but even in it's black and white nature it gave me some good incentive to write a script featuring this scene and continue on it's beginning and end, and I'm quite enjoying the script writing it's self it's a different take from my original TechAsy series, my thanks to Cloudy and Angel for letting me use their characters in both endeavors. Before long once the script is finish I'll post a link to it here...for now enjoy the short as a teaser ;)

Prehaps there are only two frustrations at this moment I do have... one is to do with Need For Speed: Most Wanted, a driving game that involves police pursuit it frustrates the hell out of me sometimes because when you get busted often it's not because of the police tactics it's because of their undying luck of being in the right place at the wrong time :/

A couple of my friends got into a fight the other day in chat, I like them both very much but I agreed with one more than the other on one view point but that wasn't because of what the argument broke out because of, I mainly just dislike the fact I had to stand in the middle, I mean I didn't want to jump on either of there backs and I was too worried to say shut up to both of them and just drop the subject...I often find myself in the middle of things like this...it sucks doesn't ie because you dont want to be at odds with either side so all you can do is just sit there...

Well anyway...that's my first entry EVER to a Live journal...I probably wont update often but I'll keep this going now that I've made a start...

Laters people and take care :)