Pah never would I thought I'd write in this thing again, brings too much drama, too much hassle and too much pain. I guess I come back to it this once and this once only because I wanted somewhere to take a look back on the last year of my life, remember how much it's changed for better and for worse, evaluate what I have, what I want and what I don’t have and cannot have, just so I can record and one day look back on the person I was. Commenting will be disabled, if you wanna talk to me about this do it over an IM please, and be nice as well I’m not writing this to attack or get attention from anyone that’s what tapping on the shoulder and saying “Hello” is for.

Myself:

Who am I? What I am? What do I want to be? Three questions that make up ourselves, for who I am, I am a young British native from the south east of England born and raised 22 years in a small town 30 miles from the main capital, that makes me a Londoner I guess with all the accent and speech slur despite my betterment of the language than some of my Harlow brethren. I forget my H's on words and can say "in'it" a lot. I like to think of myself as a friendly, helpful and generous person, I have no qualms about helping strangers or offering money to those who need it despite my own financial situation I have little care for myself I do what I do with my own body and material wealth, there are plenty of people worse off than me so I do what I can to help others who need it, granted some might see it as a weakness or even something to be taken advantage off, but I'm also level-headed I know cheaters and conners when I see them I rarely if ever fall for traps and I'm alert of my surroundings, and I also know that if someone doesn't help those in need then I'm no better then the people who do nothing unless it profits them selves these days.
I like to think of myself as a confident person, knowing what I am capable of doing and what my limits are both physically and mentally, I have my flaws and I know what they are and I know what my strengths lie in as a person in a crowd of bystanders. I can be sociable when I want to be, but I don’t go out to be social, I don’t make many friends because it's difficult to choose who they are, not everyone becomes your friend just to be friends there are too many who want strings attached. I don’t have a great deal of life knowledge or general knowledge I sometimes read / watch the news but I don’t watch TV nor do I follow politics I let the old guys do the debating over a penny piece's worth, but I do have a great deal of wisdom I think things though often multiple times till I'm sure that there can be one correct solution, I do this with life situations and well as mundane work tasks.
I can understand most things life throws at me, but there are times I don’t understand as I said before I’m not very well versed in “life” and when I don’t understand something I feel dumb and confused and try my best to find an answer to what’s confusing me, I don’t like to pry, and I wont pry if it’s something sensitive or not about me. There is little I wont tell about myself I have no shame nor do I keep secrets from people I trust very closely, but I am a storehouse of secrets if someone tell me something sensitive it goes into a book never to be opened again, because of this I feel a lot of people can trust me if they have faith in me.
I'm open minded and I'm very neutral in debates and discussions, I will look at both sides of the debates and analyze the pros and cons because not everything has only one answer, when it comes to dealing with my friends I will not jump to judge people because of rumours, actions speak louder than words. I will try new things that look fun or interesting to try but I am terrified of heights. I also tend to be defensive when attacked to start with, I despise arguing and shouting between myself and a friend as it solves nothing but my personality adapts too much and sometimes I will find myself combating fire with fire, I will not hesitate to jump into a fight either if threatened or attacked with out good cause and I will not take crap lying down I am not your personal punching bag or rug.
I am a writer and I enjoy the creative arts, from poems to books, from drawing to painting. But I am a lousy reader I find it difficult to get into books and neither do I watch many films.

What do I want to be:

It's not something I gave a great amount of thought into until very recently, I just want to be a guy who does his job well, and finds someone to settle down with eventually, I don’t want to be famous, fame is overrated. But I don’t want to be in my country, I love England but I want a change to experience a new place, the differences in culture, despite what many say there are surprising differences in culture between England and the US which is where I want to move and work in.
Computers are my love work, I love technology it's my biggest hobby I've worked around it my entire life and could probably work these machines better than many a Microsoft technician. Sadly not having the certs to prove it makes finding a job difficult, but I am studying, or at least working towards earning the qualifications I hope they'll be enough to move to the states with. In the mean time I hope to learn as much as I can from PC’s to PDA’s and laptops to the gaming consoles and even satellite navigation.

What do I do now what have I done before:

I work for a toy store, or AKA Toys R Us, it's not a bad place to work for, the work is nice it keeps me busy I run the secure booth which is an important area in the store, it has all our most expensive electrical equipment and PC's. I don’t like to think of myself as the guy you come for to be sold a Nintendo DS or a Sony PSP or a PC, customer service isn't my strong point and prefer to avoid it but I will do the job to the best of my ability and personality. No I'm the guy you come to for when you need technical expertise, when you want to know what .jpeg and .bmp means and what a Ethernet cable does, or how to set up your wireless network at home.
What have I done before, that’s mostly retail and warehouse work, varying from job to job, but there was one particular I loved doing and that was a Bike Mechanic (Pedal powered) getting my hands gritty and dirty with oil and lubricants it was good fun I miss doing that kind of job it was a change from computers.

My hobbies and activities:

As I’ve said before I’m not much of a book and TV guy but I look for entertainment it the more creative and technical arts, I like to keep my hands busy I’m a very active person not so much as going out and exercise but I don’t like to be idle, doing nothing, unless it’s sleeping.
I love computers, I love the things they can do, achieve and create for us, and believe me it can create a lot. Especially friends I mean if you’re reading this now, no doubt you’re a friend of mine. I enjoy tinkering with PC’s and fixing them learning the new technology that comes out for them, how they work and operate, to place components inside a casing clipping it all together and pressing the power button, I can stand there and say “I built that” it’s an accomplishment, much like when someone writes the last page in a book or adds the last stroke to a painting that’s the same feelings I get.
And with computers I enjoy video games it keeps me active and exercises my hand eye coordination, it’s how I’m so accurate and quick thinking it’s how I have fun with friends from around the world plus the slight competitiveness and fun it can bring as long as it doesn’t get insulting, insults are for people who do nothing but want to win, it’s just a game after all. Of course my eyes may have deteriorated over the years from being at a computer so long, but it’s not a great extent I can see pretty well with out glasses still.
My other hobby next to Computers is writing, I enjoy writing plays and scripts and sometimes the odd poem and short story. I find it’s relaxing to create a world of my own and see characters I’ve created come together unfolding scenes of various genres, I write all or try to, from Horror to comedy, from action to romance. My latest series is TechAsy I’ve been working on it for neigh 3-4 years now ever since I started reading Namir Deiter too. But my actual writing experience extends over 11 years and I’ve gone through quite a few projects since then. Nothing is published I just write because I enjoy too and for my own amusement.
My one flaw in my writing is my lack of understanding of grammar and structuring, I did fairly well on my English exams but nothing to brag about, while grammar is important it’s not something that’s struck me as truly necessary, it may be because I myself look past a lot of the grammar and understand what others may not if they read too deeply into commas, periods, colons, and full sentencing. Not everyone is great on grammar in fact probably 80% of the world’s grammar sucks I’m one of those percentages, but I’m also one who doesn’t take a notice of it if it’s wrong.

Relationships and friends:

I'm not a relationship kinda guy but I want to experience them, I want to find out what makes having a lover make me a better person the effects it has on me, I do worry in relationships, but I've learned a lot in them since, and that is not to worry. Things will turn out as they will and you deal with it as best as you can, you must be confident, show you can take a bull by the horns and throw it into the china shop. I feel I'm very supportive I will always lend an ear and help in any means I can possibly do so and be loyal til the end.
I love my friends the ones I feel very close too and there are few I share my problems with because it is they I can trust most and for that I will be by their sides in the times they need me. I hate to lose friends for whatever reason.


Those who are important to me:

I have few friends who are very important to me, so important to me I would die for and I'm one who would if my death comes so be it, I do not fear it. Who do I start with:

Rosco Floyd, Craig:

This guy is a wealth of knowledge he's calm he's very sly and knows what he's talking about, he's good on advice and very well educated, we share many common interests in the art of writing. I have shared many devastating experiences or vibrant rants with him and he does his best to give me an honest answer to the problem or relate his own experiences with the topic, or even just lend an ear, a guy I hope someday I will get to meet in person. I once cried to Craig over skype, I felt so stupid but I could hear him trying to calm me down tell me things will be alright, it's what friends do and given the reason that I was, it was understandable and just let it out. Thanks Craig.

Aecas, Craig:

Grumpy ol Aecas, big ol dragon with a light heart feeling. I met Aecas once back in august 2005 in London over the jack forums, I offered the guy to stay at my place during the Jack Euro gathering and I've never regretted it since. Aecas is awesome, he often asks how I am on a night to see how I'm doing, we'll talk about general things and we'll relate the usual problems to one another, often have I spoken to him of my personal issues and he gives me advice on what to do and what can I do. Heck of a laugh and an all round sport too, he helped me a lot during one of my break ups of a loved one.

The Midgee:

Awesome, awesome, Midgee, there's so much I can say about this girl. Cute, short, bubbly, funny, artistic and considerate. Midgee is very trusted she's openly honest and far too generous for her own good many a time I've trusted her with personal issues and she does her best to tell me what she things of what to do and despite not knowing certain things she always comes out with a lot of sense, I only wish it was easier for myself to actually accept some parts of it. I love this girl and would fly out to the states just to hang with her.

Dave (Midgee's boy):

I haven't known Dave as long as Midgee but when I met him with Midgee back in March 2006 we got on together like wildfire, we had so many ideas to exchange we shared same interests and the guy let me bunk in his dorm during my visit so I owe him for that. Dave is level headed and a wise thinker, his advice and evaluation of problems is astounding but then he did study psychology but regardless his advice is always valued Midgee is lucky to have him.

Robert Fincher:

I've been around this guy since high school that’s over 11 years, we've been though thick and thin together, I regret kicking him out that one time but we both understood it was for good reason. Robert is one of the first I'll trust to confide in despite his look he has a lot of life wisdom under that hat of his and I value every scrap of it, he's the counter part to me almost, like a brother, he knows about life and I know about well... other stuff he doesn’t. I couldn't be without this guy, one of the reasons it's hard for me to want to leave for the states.

Isabel and Terrence Marks:

These two changed my life for the better they introduced me to the world of web-comics, the internet, forums and sociability, plus they sparked a huge inspiration for me to write my TechAsy series. Though their comics I made many friends, found love in people and strengthened my resolve to head for the states. I owe these two more than I let on I can't even begin to list the changes they've made to me. Thank you both, thank you for making me a better person.

AngelVS20, Jennifer:

I didn't know a lot about Jen when I first met her or at least started talking to her more a while ago on the Jack forums, eventually I don’t know what it was but I fell in love with her. She wasn't my first but I fell for her, she was kind, sweet, heart-warming to be around, she knew how to have fun and is openly expressive about her mind (In real life anyway) it's a shame she has trouble trusting people easily or at least guys she dates. I found that out the hard way, and evidently lost her... because of my own stupid mistake, I can't say how much I was sorry it ended the way it did, but I don’t regret letting her go for the betterment of things. She's still my friend and for that I'm very grateful, she taught me to be more vigorous in my efforts I became more motivated when she came into my life... thank you Jen.

Candy:

My first girl friend, who these days is very much like a sister to me, she was my first on-line friend too so I've known her the longest. We don’t talk as much as we used to but we talk a lot about personal things, I will never forget her bouncy and care-free nature. We broke up because I thought my feelings weren’t as real as they should've been, a grave error on my part when she left for camp and hooked up with someone else. I let go quite easily but I regret the actions I took.

Stormrunner, Selena:

I've known Storm for a bit now but it's only now I got to know her to the point I'm open with my feelings and personal problems. Direct, talkative, well versed in politics and very open. Storm is my most recent confidant she helps me a lot to understand what I can't about some things and often gives me a lot of help in the arts, and likes to play a lot too which is always fun I hope to meet her soon.

Katie Carlberg:

I leave Katie for last because she is the most important in my life, why? It's not just the fact I'm still in love with her but it's the times the experiences the life she's shown me. What she's taught me about relationships, and what she has done as a friend to be there for me when I wanted her most. The fact she's put up with so much shit from me and still remained my friend (Including after we broke up). Honest, competitive, fun-loving, reasonable and open-minded. I wanted to do a lot to help her when we were together even with mundane tasks bad habit on my part but her independent nature taught me that it's not always necessary to help unless asked for, which is true. Her artistic skills wow me every time every image she pumps out I can't help but look it over and over again, the work she has done for me on out comic I just can't appreciate enough. We broke up quite recently but I respected the decision she had her reasons for it and I can't force her otherwise, but I am waiting still, hoping I have another chance with her even if it means waiting til I am in the states it's hard to let go of her right now. I will never forget the times we had together the things you taught me Katie, my love for you as a friend will always be there for you and perhaps more if you’re ever ready.

They are the most important people in my life and it's how I see them, granted there is little bad to mention about the people here, because I don’t see anything bad about them, we all have our bad parts but we don’t mention them because we have friends for what we like about them.

Finance:

I have large loans, and debts, toping nearly 20000 dollars or 13000 pounds sterling. It’s a lot of money and it’s paramilitary what’s holding me back in this country until a vast majority of it is cleared I can’t hope to leave England. What accumulated this? Most of it I’ve forgotten, my first trip into the states that cost a large sum (£1800), upgrades for my PC because I wanted something that would last me (£1000), a new laptop because my old one wasn’t up to spec (£1500), mother who paid off my debts while I was out of work and the money I borrowed (£3500). It just all adds up and it’s amazing how it acclimated so quickly, I’ve come to the point where I can’t look at my credit cards much anymore I want to destroy them so I can’t use them but I dunno how wise that would be, for now they’re under the care of someone else so I can’t use them. The loan isn’t the problem nor is my mom as they don’t have interest rates going up every month, the credit cards are the problem as they’re taking the longest to get down, it’s taken me nearly a year to get my Bank Credit card back down from the over draft it’s in.
I have been looking into getting another loan to consolidate all my debts into one payment to make things easier but I keep getting told my account is “Flagged” so they won’t do me any more lending for a while. I have been looking at other loan dealers for help but many of them are strict on their requirements. It feel like by the time I’m finished with these debts I’ll be too old to move out of the country and too late.

The future:

Yeah too old or too late, I’ve spent a third of my life stuck here, I don’t know what is so alluring about the USA, maybe I’m just bored of England and I want a complete change this is my ultimate goal, a goal that’s stuck with me since I was 16 if not younger. I don’t know what the future holds but I’m doing my best to go with the flow and do my best, maybe some of my debt I can take with me to the states. I know my life will change drastically if I ever did accomplish my goal but I feel it needs a drastic change to make me that much more happier with my life.
I’ve looked at many different ways I can help speed things up, selling stuff I don’t need anymore, working extra hours and all that jargon but it doesn’t feel it’s getting that much closer.
I’m in hope that working on this comic with Katie, our series TechAsy will bring me a lot of joy to see it become successful, and see that I can be a successful writer I’ve had little opinion of my series and now I want some, perhaps one day I can be as successful with it as Isabel is today and maybe become guests of honour at a convention. I never used to like the idea of doing this for any more than a hobby, granted I love doing this as a hobby but now I want to see something become of it.

So what are my goals?

*Move out of country get citizenship in the US.
*Clear my debts as soon as possible.
*Escalate TechAsy to a well known web-comic perhaps eventually published.
*Find someone to settle down with, be it Katie… or… *Shrugs* for the most part I hope it would be Katie… who knows.

It’s a short list but it’s a lot of work to do, and already 23 years of my life is wasted away… here’s to hoping I can change that somehow.